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click on the names for exclusive bio cards! you krazy, krazy kats! Pete 'the Meat' Slicklicks -guitar The tale of the Krazy Kats of Kool begins in nineteen-odd-six with Pete 'the Meat' Slicklicks. While serving a four year prison term for lighting orphans on fire and herding them into an old-folks home, Pete was introduced to blues guitar by his surly yet, vaguely effeminate cell mate, Big Wife Beating Joe. Whether toiling in the work yard or staying awake all night to avoid sodomy, Pete's mind was consumed by the passionate rhythm of the blues. That and avoiding rape at all costs. Upon his release, Pete got a job at a gas station, working seven days a week for long hours. After six months, he had scraped together enough money to buy a gun, which he used to rob a local music shop, making off with a guitar, amp and three drumsticks. With his newly acquired instrument, Pete set about learning to play the blues that had so captivated him in the slammer. Unfortunately, he was horrified to discover that the blues are really REALLY hard to play. His heart broken, he descended into a state of catatonia which would cost him his job and the use of his pants. This pseudo-coma would continue until one fateful day in December when he and Larry 2 Scarry would meet and start the Krazy Kats of Kool. Today, Pete plays loud, irritating power chords and provides the band with cookies and milk after every band practice. Larry 2 Scarry -backup guitar Larry 2 Scarry is the illegitimate son of news media magnate, Larry King, and former Canadian Prime Minister, Kim Campbell. His story begins on the mean street of Penticton, BC where he was raised by a family of loving but strict moose. At the age of sixteen he made his way to Vancouver where he learned the ways of ska guitar from the only black man in Tsawwasen. He would take his music extremely seriously, as it would become the key to accomplishing the single greatest feat he would ever attempt. From the day he was born, Larry's mind was consumed with only one thing, killing his bastard father who had abandoned him and his mother in the god forsaken wastelands of Canada. Understanding his mother's difficult situation of trying to raise a child on the salary of a former Prime Minister, he harbored no ill will against her, vowing one day to bring her his father's head on a really long, pointy stick. On the edge of sanity, his fevered brain formulated a scheme that would deliver his hapless father into his sweaty hands. He would form a band so groundbreaking in its innovation and so momentous in its popularity that he would earn an appearance on Larry King Live and dispatch his father on live television. One day, while on his way to the paint store to purchase a can of gray paint, he came upon a disheveled Pete Slicklicks playing theme songs from old TV shows outside a pizzeria. In this soiled vagrant Larry saw the two qualities that would deliver him his patricidal revenge: raw, impassioned guitar playing and a gun. Abandoning his quest for paint, he took Pete home with him, cleaned him up, and provided him with a powder blue leisure suit. Together they would start the Krazy Kats of Kool, and a legend would be born. Today, Larry's ska guitar adds a distinct reggae flavor to the music of the KKK while his single-minded determination to kill both inspires and frightens his band mates. Jon E Swiftncool -vocals Jon E Swiftncool, only son of California medical research mogul Herbert Michael Swiftncool, joined the Krazy Kats in the Summer of 69. Raised a Christian, it was while attending a Bible study camp that he had the misfortune of meeting one Pete 'the Meat' Slicklicks, who would kidnap the boy in order to obtain a ransom from his father. When Mr. Swiftncool refused to pay, Jon's heart was broken; giving Larry 2 Scarry the perfect opportunity to recruit the boy into his cadre of father-hating maniacs. With Larry as his creepy, 'a-little-too-touchy-feely' mentor, Jon wiped away his tears and picked up the three drumsticks that Pete had stolen so many years before. Shortly after he would put one of them down. Today, Jon bangs the drums and dabbles in vocals, though not at the same time, because that's just crazy. Just Krazy enough to work... I Ron Rockstoomuch -backup vocals I Ron Rockstoomuch is a nine year old boy that Larry found at the bottom of a box of Apple Jacks. In exchange for three popsicles, a peanut butter sandwich, and a plate of Pete Slicklick's famous cookies, I Ron agreed to sing and dance while Larry watched. Today, I Ron does those very same things on stage; because it's less weird that way. Bill 'the Chill' Landfill -backup guitar Bill 'the Chill' Landfill was born in 1555 in Toledo, Spain. A hero of the Spanish Inquisition, Bill sentenced many of Satan's lapdogs to burn in Hell for not believing in God. When Pete 'the Meat' Slicklicks read of Bill in his history books he was inspired by his noble spirit. He would use his knowledge of setting orphans on fire to build a half-Japanese robot of the same name from parts he salvaged from his KOSS¨ am/fm radio. He would teach this robot to play guitar because no one bothered to point out that a band really only needs two guitarists. Today, Bill plays guitar and calculates the tip when the band goes out to restaurants. Lazer 'the Jazz' Razor -occasional vocals Jacob Saxophone Jacobson, or 'Laser Eye' as he is known down at the gun club, was wrongly accused of murdering his wife and 7 daughters with a knife and was set to serve life in prison. Realizing justice would not come to his aid, he knew he would have to take matters into his own hands. For two years he snuck bars of soap into his cell and had created plans to create the deadliest knife ever conceived by man. His soap knife finally created, he lunged the weapon at the neck of a guard during a prison wide aerobics class. Unsatisfied with the results of his knife, he pulled out a real knife that he had snuck in from a conjugal visit and stabbed the guard to death. After stabbing 17 more guards to death and initiating what would later be known as the worst prison riot in north american history, he could finally smell the sweet scent of freedom. Seeking refuge in an abandoned carpet factory, he realized he had stumbled into one of the many Krazy Kats Headquarters. Pete 'the meat' Slicklicks recognized Laser Eye from his days in prison and invited him to record some tracks. Laser Eye agreed and sang his black, off key heart out. Laser Eye provided a new level of unneeded talent to the Kats, even though his stay was not forlong. Laser Eye, now dubbed Lazer 'the Jazz' Razor due to his love for knives and razor blades and hatred for jazz, periodically visits the Kats to cut the odd track while Jon E. Swiftncool is sorting his vast jacket button collection. The rest of the time is spent evading the police in hopes that one day his name will be cleared and he will be set a free and innocent man. |